Authentic You Photography Blog

October 30, 2009

Today…

Filed under: Just Because — Char @ 10:05 am

I was not planning on posting anything…

But as I take a minute to remember, the words are tumbling so I will write.

I remember the day like yesterday…

The gentle breeze and warm sunshine seemed to mock reality. I spent the afternoon by her bedside. I was weary, but felt peaceful. And scared. A few months prior life was so very normal. How did this happen? Looking back, I can’t believe I was so naive and so unaware that afternoon. We were praying and we were believing. Yeah, we knew it happened. To others, that is. There was absolute no way under heaven our mother would leave us. You see… our mother loved life, was full of life, and was all about life. Her eyes were warm and held a sparkle. Her skin was always tan from hours spent in her flowerbeds and garden. Tiny, but lots of spunk.  I was the oldest of eight kids…my little brother only eight at the time. She was are best friend. For real. Somehow she saw straight to our souls. She was the wind beneath our wings. In a way, she was our world’s foundation. She lived life with her whole heart. With vibrance.

But the unspeakable happened. The impossible became reality. It sent us reeling, spinning backwards, grabbing for some kind of something to stop the tumbling. Something, anything to make us feel like life was going to be okay again. I suppose there is a right and wrong way to grieve, but we were lost. So lost. I was angry at God…so angry. Yeah, sure He may be a God of love, but really?!! Is this what sovereign meant? The anger settled into a controlled tumbling. This is after all, part of life. The unspeakable happened to us…deal with it.

Today? Well, I am allowing God to take my hand and show me how to stand still again. Just still. I am ready.  Ready to understand. Ready to live with my heart open. Ready to walk in the sunshine.

So today it is four years that my mother is dancing in heaven. Dancing for sure!

Today I will love my boys, edit some photos (smile), and appreciate the bright yellow leaves in my backyard.

leaves-1

In honor of my mother….today I am hopeful. Today I anticipate.

13 Comments »

  1. I miss her still. I need to constantly remind myself we just see the here and now , God sees the whole picture.

    Comment by Linda — October 30, 2009 @ 10:26 am

  2. this is so beautifully written. so personal. thanks for sharing. your words are appreciated.

    Comment by Alyssa — October 30, 2009 @ 11:27 am

  3. what a difficult loss that would be! praying that God will comfort you and give you joy in the pain.

    Comment by Ruby Showalter — October 30, 2009 @ 11:33 am

  4. As a long time follower of your blog I want you to know this is so profoundly beautiful; my story is very similar to yours. I read this with tears streaming down my face. Thank-you so much and every blessing!

    Comment by Fanny — October 30, 2009 @ 11:44 am

  5. That is so well written even though I can feel the pain. I know what it feels like to have a parent die unexpectedly & it hurts really hurts.
    Your mom left you a wonderful legacy in the short time she was here. She would be so proud of all of her kids & the life they live today, the way all of you reflect what she poured in to each of you.
    Blessings to you Char for the way you care for not just your husband & boys but for all you do for your dad & brothers & sisters. You are a very caring giving person- just like your mom.
    Does the pain ever go away? We’re 5 years in to life without my dad & it still hurts maybe not as sharp & strong as in the beginning but there are times when it hits with a new reality.
    But how much more painful it would be if we would never see them again or to be able to say “she’s dancing in Heaven.” Dancing for sure!”
    Be blessed!
    P.S. I think you should be a writer as well as a photographer. You do a great job of expressing your self on paper.

    Comment by Bonnie — October 30, 2009 @ 12:35 pm

  6. So beautifully written, you have a talent in writing for sure. May God continue to be your healer and sustainer, and may you learn to trust Him once again.

    Comment by Lori — October 30, 2009 @ 12:39 pm

  7. dearest friend,
    your realness is beautiful, and i am so proud of you. i remain faithful and committed. you will not walk alone. together we will anticipate and wait in expectance to see where God will take you. your mother’s legacy lives on, not only in the lives of her children, but in all of us who were priveleged to know her and have her touch our lives. thank you for sharing her with me. i used to love to make her laugh! :) she had an easy laughter that bubbled up from within. she was on a quest for truth, and that inspired me on my own quest. until we all dance together again, i love you.

    Comment by Ann — October 30, 2009 @ 12:41 pm

  8. Char – you make me cry. Yes; 4 years it is. Seems like such a long time since I talked to her (and poured all my little problems out to her – because she always cared) – But at the same time I too remember the day like it was yesterday. I miss her so much. Doesn’t heaven somehow seem so much sweeter?

    Comment by Nancy — October 30, 2009 @ 1:08 pm

  9. Char, you have a beautiful way with words! My heart is with you today.

    Comment by Stacee — October 30, 2009 @ 1:53 pm

  10. Char.. I thought of you and all your family many times yesterday. What a day of mixed emotions!
    I loved your honorary. Through it all, may her many good memories..make you smile! Sandra

    Comment by Sandra — October 31, 2009 @ 7:36 am

  11. you’re in my thoughts and prayers today.

    Comment by joy — November 1, 2009 @ 8:02 pm

  12. Thanks for all your kind comments…I almost didn’t post after I wrote. It felt so personal, thanks for your kind words!

    Comment by Char — November 2, 2009 @ 4:33 am

  13. Char this touch my heart. I remember and honor your mom too.

    Comment by Linda — December 2, 2009 @ 8:25 am

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